Making the most of your Movie Pass can sometimes mean seeing movies for you’d otherwise avoid. But if you’re determined to get every last penny out of your $9.95 a month, consider yourself warned: as school lets out, parents everywhere begin to clamor for entertainment for the soon-to-be “sooo bored” offspring.
“Kids” summer movie season starts with the return of superhero family The Incredibles (2) from Pixar and ends with newcomer Small Foot in September, plus a host of other summer fodder aimed at young viewers.
Sharing the theater with those under 14 is not without its problems. Not only is the theater going to be filled with not-your children, let’s not forget who these films are made for: not you.
But one good guilty pleasure deserves another. You know what takes the edge off and magically inspires you to gleefully spend $35 on concessions? Edibles.
Discreet, tasty, and a bargain buzz, edibles consumed 15 minutes prior to previews will you get in a mindset just in time for the big picture.
The Incredibles 2
(Walt Disney Pictures Pixar Animation Studios)
Release date: June 15
Suggested edible: CBD Double Fudge by Goodship
Where you’ll find it: Washington state
A much-anticipated sequel, I2 is likely to be the most entertaining animation on the list. Pixar produces high-quality work and tends to put equal effort into the scripts. Mr. Incredible (Craig T. Nelson) finds himself a stay-at-home-dad, while Mrs. Incredible (Holly Hunter) goes out on a mission to return “Supers” to the world. New villains and powers are revealed.
This will be a blockbuster and a packed house, so the bonus CBD will take edge off your “I’m a grown-up in a theater full of kids” anxiety, while the THC will heighten your visual experience.
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
Release date: June 22
Suggested edible: BlueBerry Terra Bites
Where you’ll find it: California, Illinois, Nevada, and Arizona
Jurassic Park movies have always required a certain level of suspended disbelief. The Jurassic World movies double down on the concept. But it’s summer and there’s popcorn, so let’s just go with the fact that Chris Pratt is a believable paleontologist/Navy operative, Bryce Dallas Howard can run full speed in Louboutins, and the military would actively conduct experiments in a family theme park.
At least this installment gives Ms. Howard sensible shoes and the rest of us Jeff Goldblum. Terra Bites are small, fruity, potent, and secretly poppable every time Pratt makes a pun.
Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation
Release date: July 13
Suggested edible: Enjoy Indica Berry (Relax)
Where you’ll find it: Oregon
Time to be honest: these movies are bad. Really bad. Like “Adam Sandler just wanted to update his place in the Hamptons so his pool would be bigger than Jerry Seinfeld’s” bad. The jokes are half-baked (zing!), the plots are ice thin, and it’s Sandler doing a Dracula voice for 90 minutes. Spike your lemon-lime soda with a shot of Enjoy Indica Berry and power on, friend.
(If you’re an actual parent sitting through this movie with your kids and therefore sober, we hope Santa is watching your selflessness.)
Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again
Release date: July 20
Suggested edible: Berry Bomb Bites
Where you’ll find it: Nevada
Four different “mom” websites insisted this sequel is a family summer movie. Okay, then.
Good Housekeeping suggests parents and kids Netflix the first film at home. Apparently it’s never too early to introduce your kids to ABBA, the goddess known as Cher, or the concept of warm Greek islands getting you so excited you can’t figure out your child’s parentage for 20 years, so a Mamma Mia! marathon it is!
As you’ve signed on for actors (and the goddess known as Cher) signing ABBA for two hours, go ahead and live tweet the confused sex questions kids around you will be loudly asking. You will need something BOMB to endure the shenanigans. Berry Bomb Bites from VERT—which have a slew of natural ingredients like Tahitian vanilla bean extract and organic strawberry conserve, yum—should do just the trick.
Teen Titans Go! To the Movies
(Warner Bros. Pictures)
Release date: July 27
Suggested edible: Lucy Goosey 50mg Chocolate Fruit & Nut Bar
Where you’ll find it: California
Based on the Cartoon Network series, this animated feature will play out like the extended episode it is. There is some grating voice acting, and those not familiar with the series probably won’t get much out of the flick. But get high, survey the landscape, and contemplate if breeding is right for you. Go ahead and munch down on this edible that looks like a healthy “parent food” bar you’d get at Whole Foods; the kid next to you has no interest in it, anyway.
(Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures)
Release date: August 3
Suggested edible: Honey Pot Honey Stick 5mg
Where you’ll find it: California
I’m not crying. You’re the one who’s crying. Seriously Disney, what are trying to do to us? Everybody’s got family shiz to work out. Cheaper than therapy, this live-action feature stars Ewan McGregor as a grown-up Christopher Robin with grown-up problems, who rediscovers his childhood playmates to save his own family. The special effects look incredibly realistic and should make for a heartfelt viewing experience.
We suggest something simply British—a cup of tea swizzled with a Pooh-inspired Honey Pot 5mg Honey Stick. Honey Pot also makes a full-size version in CBD, as well as a THC Honey Bear jar to use at home. (If the bear jar starts speaking to you, squeeze a little less next time.)
(Warner Brothers Production Company)
Release date: September 25
Suggested edible: Titan’s Kind Chocolate Chunk Sandwich
Where you’ll find it: Oregon
Here’s my opinion: Channing Tatum is an actor meant to be seen and not heard. If the vocal work in the trailer for Small Foot is any indication, my theory is a solid one. An all too common story of “an unlikely friendship” between a Yeti (or, in previous versions of this storyline, alien/monster/robot/talking animal), the first human he meets, and how they come to understand each other is already a staple of kid’s movie tropes, so they’ll be hard pressed to give it a fresh spin.
You certainly deserve something special if you go to this flick, like the Titan’s Kind Chocolate Sandwich With Peanut Butter Filling. It’s a delicious dessert in itself, and a strong finish for the tail-end of your summer movie times. Back to school, kids!